Costumes

Ram Dass: 'In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring one another that our costumes of identity are on straight.'

Kevin and I donned our teenage costumes once more: me as Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill, Kevin as Henry Rollins of Black Flag. Not that either of us has actually been these people before (that we know of...?) but we both have been more overt in our love of punk. 

Senior year of high school I was inspired and saved by Riot Grrl culture. I listened to the music, went to the shows, pored over the zines, and announced my affiliation in fishnets and red lipstick. It was huge for me to watch women try on being girly, aggressive, hugely creative artists, and truly effective advocates. In 1998, Riot Grrls kind of had a uniform but also really didn't. There was a visible toying with performing womanhood. 

Kevin was politicized by punk music, shows, and the scene. He learned about class, race, and gender politics. He actually listens to the lyrics! When friends put on a Black Flag song Kevin automatically hit the ground, punching the floor in a accurate depiction of Henry Rollins, but also in a way that felt completely authentic to Kevin. "That's always an inch from the surface," he said grinning at his swollen knuckles.

Halloween is growing on me because it feels honest. I didn't really get it before but now I see that on this day we get to be up front about how much we perform. "I am trying to convince you all that I'm a fully functioning grown woman. I am doing my best impression of someone capable of this job. I am telling you I know who I am." On Halloween I'm a gremlin.

And we're all of that. We're fully functioning, we're a mess. We're our teenage selves, and we're our selves today. We're super hero characters and villains. We're our fears and we're angelic.

When one of my friends saw my costume he said, "You didn't dress up." I never wear make-up and I feel flummoxed by fashion. It felt nice that he still knows my heart bleeds loud and raucously.