Believing your story to not be your story

My friend just wrote on Facebook, "The most important thing you can do for a victim is believe them."

And I exhaled and thought, "Thank you."

So much of my own healing process from trauma has been trying to get the people closest to me and most important to me to believe me. I'm pretty sure that they can't, because believing me would cause some irreperable harm to the way they view the world. That's too much for some. I'm starting to understand that.

So I'm left with either feeling crazy, like my version of reality is suspect, or working to believe myself.

I'm working to believe myself. I'm working to be OK with not being completely understood. I'm working to be OK with having no control over how other's perceive me.

It made me think about a process I've seen with several yoga students and a process my teachers have likely seen with me. More than one time, a new yoga student arrives either a minute before class starts or late. They are carrying so many items: bags, jackets, change of clothes, a ton of stuff. Their stuff is messy and they noisily struggle with it. They walk across the studio with their shoes on, which tracks dirt and dust on a surface close to students' faces while they practice. The noisy, late, disruptive new student huffs and breathes loudly. I instruct to let the breath be soft but the cue doesn't land. The new student's body requires extra attention so they don't hurt themselves.

I have totally been this student.

And I've witnessed the following: the teacher works with the noisy, messy, late, tense, loud, uncoordinated student. Over time, the student takes up less space in the room. They arrive a few minutes early and bearing fewer belongings. They put their shoes away neatly. Their breath is calmer and steadier. Their body is benefitting from the movement and winding more safely through the poses. Their presence is a joy.

And I wonder if that intial encounter is because this new student is not often seen. Not often believed to be who they are.

I took up so much space at so many moments in my life. "Believe me! See me! Please!" And as I was seen, I felt calmer. I was, and now am, OK.

In yoga, there is a teaching to put forth what you hope to receive, but of course, relinquish expectation of receiving it. I've found this to be unbelievably effective. Recently, I've felt like I can't get my professional life together, I run around too much for too little money, I feel burnt and ineffectual. I started saying to others, "I think you're good at what you do. I think you deserve success," and they brightened in front of my eyes. And they reflected the same sentiment back to me. We saw one another and both calmed.

The word "victim" is laden and fraught. Some feel like it's simply effective language to identity the person harmed in an exchange. Some feel like it becomes a dimishing identity. Both are largely true. Now, when I see someone who feels victimized and asks to be believed, within reason, I try to do that. I try to honor their experience and say, "I see you." When I do that, they tend to feel less bound by the story of their victimization and themselves as a victim.

Being a yoga teacher you get to give to others the thing you yourself need. And you start to figure out how to be there for yourself and feel less trapped by others. I believe myself. And that means I don't have to be stuck.