Replenish

I have been very quiet on here for awhile. I've felt a strong urge to be more still and more internal. For once, I'm listening.

I've been reading more than I've been writing.
I've been quiet more than active.
I've slept more.
I've moved less.
I've thought too much.
I've been feeling how much healing and growth happens outside of our own impetus. Healing and growth happens in its own time and in its own way.

I've felt some profound healing. I'm still feeling it. It's very subtle and very cool.

I'm feeling more in touch with who I am outside of the stories of "what happened to me." (What I remember: unapologetic happiness, sun-kissed cockiness.)

I've been dreaming of whales and zebras and walk-a-bouts in Europe. (And realizing that feels connected to knowing a me before/behind a me.)

I've been thinking about this adage that gets tossed around in yoga: "If you're physically healthy, practice Ashtanga. If you're injured or ill, practice Iyengar." And I've been thinking that if that's true (and I think it's true) that the same applies to yogic spiritual and philosophical studies. "If you've taken time to work on emotional self-awareness, emotional literacy, and healing, then these studies might be appropriate. If you haven't, if there are unnamed fears driving many of your actions, or a cloudy lack of awareness, spend time understanding your own emotional make-up before delving into spirit." I'm starting to think that we need to teach each other emotional health as much as we teach physical health. In Master Patanjali's 8 limbed path to the state of yoga, clarifying the yamas, or relationships to those we perceive of as other to us, is the first course of action.

I've been thinking a lot about stars and retrogrades. I don't understand astrology. I've started hearing certain things-- Vedic astrology, herbalism-- that perk up my ears. Not that I'm a straight up believer that star alignment is predictive nor on the nose advice. More so the Jungian notion of reaching into our subconscious through symbols. Stars and archetypes are powerful symbols. Symbols are powerful placeholders for beliefs and feelings. Spending time with these symbols and ideas feels good to me. There are also some amazing writers working in astrology (check out chani nicholas) and their words have heft.

I'm feeling made of stardust. I'm feeling astral, Aquarian and Gemini. I'm feeling elemental and metal and earth. I'm feeling Vedic and earthy and full of fire.

I'm leaving space for both and. People are both awful and. Astral. Stars are both stars and. Reminders. Of the bigger picture.

I've been working a lot and working on new, bigger projects. I'm simultaneously stimulated and scared. So I stay the course and let the energy work through. There's no need for the fear to define my efforts.

I've been thinking about hauntings as genetic trauma. I've been reading researchers looking into how trauma passes through generations like a funny shaped nose or hair color. I read case studies on insomniacs remembering the death-by-freezing of an unknown uncle. Healing the insomnia offered a healing for the larger family.

Without the scientific studies, these instances would be characterized as hauntings. I've heard that by honoring ancestors and healing ancestral wounds, we free ancestors. And it helps me understand ghosts. And makes me believe in both. And.

That I'm not meant to be afraid. I am meant to pay attention. I am meant to feel power as energy. To listen.