Reality is unwieldy

I think I know stuff.

I think I know who I am, what my life looks like, and will look like for the foreseeable future. I'm a control freak, so I cling tightly to this vision.

I'm getting more frequent reminders that this vision is subjective or fluid. My capacity to perceive what I conceive of as my internal and external life continues to shift. This can sound like some yoga mumbo jumbo. For real, I get it. Let me be more concrete.

I've been wanting to train to be a Jivamukti Yoga Teacher for some time now. I want to do this because I see how Jivamukti practice serves me and my community. I'd like to further it's access-- make it available to more students. The trainings are always a month long intensive. The one held closest to where I live, in upstate New York, is held in April. April is the most demanding month for landscaping, so I would never be able to get away then. One training is held in June, in Costa Rica, but the time, travel, and cost would still place a heavy burden on my household. I've been trying to save money and simply hold the intention. My reality was that maybe, one day, I'd have the savings and enroll in the June training.

Recently, the Jivamukti School announced another training offered in February in India. 

Most of my life, I've dreamed of studying yoga in its birthplace: India. February is the best time of year for me to get away.

I enrolled.

Reality is now that I'll spend February in India studying a practice that I revere and lifts me. In the span of a day, what I thought I knew changed. 

The costs associated with this training are still daunting. Miraculously, it's working out. I found a really good flight. I'm applying for every scholarship I come across (if you know of any please tell me!). I told my community that I could use extra work and I've been hired for additional teaching, workshops, and travel bookings (I'm still very open to extra work to pay off the tuition!). It's still a challenge, but an increasingly approachable one.

I thought I knew things about my own story, the narrative I tell about myself, my history, my family. Recently, I've had a series of conversations with my Mom that have changed that. My Mom has said to me repeatedly that she believed me about some heavy events. Knowing this, knowing that she acknowledges my reality, shifts things. These conversations happened unexpectedly. One day, I thought reality was that I would never get that type of affirmation. Today, I'm believed. 

I'm still grappling with the implications. One, is that I didn't think this was possible. Or, that if I did get this type of affirmation that it would be the sort of cure-all for a lot of history and hurt. It's not. I'm really grateful. I'm really grateful that I get to hear these words. Not everyone does. But it's been interesting to realize that while it's helpful and affirming, it doesn't fix everything.

But then again. Reality can change in a day. What I know to be true might not be the case tomorrow. What I'm learning is to be fluid, present, and ready. What do I know anyway?