Being a universe

Being pregnant has made me ever more conscious of what I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually, because I know that feeling is shared somehow. My daughter likely doesn't relate to the input as I do, but she has an experience of it. I wish I was this conscious of how I related to my experience at all times, but I'll take this new depth in awareness.

Generally, I've felt pretty healthy and calm, which I'm glad about. Every now and then I'll be stressed or have a physiological response. I realize that shapes the "weather" my daughter perceives. Right now, I'm her world. How I function is creating some type of reality for her. When she's born, that will largely stay the case for awhile. She'll develop away from me and become independent, but her early experiences will create a map for how she understands the world and its interactions.

No pressure.

I think about sometimes, and what I can honestly offer her. My only "goal" as a mother is to be present to myself and to her. My hope is that if I know where I am and how I feel, I'll better be able to monitor what I'm responding to. If that's the case, I might be able to stay a little calmer as she goes through normal childhood development. And probably, the majority of the time, I'll freak out and be stressed. But you know, I'll do my best.

My hope in presence is also to see her. It seems pretty easy to slide into parenting her how I think I should have been parented, even though I already know she's an entirely different creature than I am, and she's arriving into entirely different circumstances. If I can be present to myself, and what comes up for me, I might stand a chance of seeing her and what might be of greatest value to her in any given moment.

As I become her baseline, I think the most honest thing I can do is try to stay present and in reality as I know it. I am a subjective creature and I can't change that. But knowing my own orientation may be as clear as I can get.