The First Trimester

I have so much to say about pregnancy. And yet, I'm still in it, and that's made me feel somewhat protective of this fascinating sphere of experience. Like, maybe I need distance and time and space away from this to see it. And yet, there also exists the possibility of forgetting! My hormone-addled mind is already less prone to remembering and then I hear of that helpful amnesia that keeps people procreating.

So I'll try to record some of this.

I have learned, without a shadow of a doubt, that pregnancy is always a truly individual, singular experience. And yet, it rubs up against the universal. For sure, there are trends and patterns and portals and pathways. But every woman is completely unique. And every child that she carries is completely unique. And their intersection will every time, be distinct and have its own signature.

It seems that the most useful thing is cultivating an ability to listen and be with what is.

First Trimester

When we discovered that I was pregnant, I was immediately staying up all night googling baby names. And then I started looking into care.

I wanted to do a home birth, but it looked tricky in South Jersey. My insurance won't cover it and most homebirth midwives practice in Philadelphia and not on my side of the bridge. So, I looked into midwife practices. Again, in my area, there aren't many, but the one I found felt so right. I found a practice of 5 midwives who deliver babies at a birth center in Elmer. They're in-network for my insurance. The birth center is affiliated with a medical center if needed and has the lowest intervention rates on the East Coast. If a woman is showing signs of complications, they go to a hospital where the midwives are partnered and the woman receives any interventions she might need and the baby has access to a NICU. If there are no signs of big complications, a woman delivers at the birth center. They work to let you labor and deliver naturally.

I visited the 5 birth suites in the small birth center. I loved it. It's an all women staff who seek to support women in natural deliveries.

I scheduled both the tour of the center as well as a consult with a midwife prior to committing to the practice. Once I signed on, they scheduled my first visit for when I was about 8 weeks pregnant.

Next, I started quietly telling friends who had recently delivered. This was a good move. I didn't know, but there are tons of private trading routes for new parents exchanging goods that babies only need the first 6 months of life. Two friends who just delivered invited me over to test drive holding a baby and look around at what stuff was actually useful and what wasn't necessary. These were sweet experiences to get a glimpse into the newborn cocoon.

I had recently gone to a baby store to buy a gift for another friend and was completely overwhelmed. The energy is so bad, the fluorescent lights, ALL THE STUFF. I left nearly hyperventilating. I decided I wanted to avoid ever going into one of those stores ever again. I emailed these recently pregnant friends and requested their baby shower registries. I've triangulated what I found on every list (likely important) and what was more personal and subjective. It's meant that the only thing I had to do was take a deep breath and go back in the store to make sure I could handle moving the car seat into the stroller by myself and with one hand (because if I can't, every day of my life might suck mercilessly). Done and done. Never going in again if I can help it.

Early scheduled care, support from others who have been there, and a registry that meant not actually being in stores have all been amazing practices for me! Pregnancy is such a magic, individual space. I'm sure each pregnancy is different and if I do this again, I can only imagine what to expect!

I also got a maternity wardrobe around week 12. I was lucky to have a Mom that offered a maternity shopping spree (thanks Mom!). However! Had that not been the case I think that I would have turned to another local Mom suggestion and joined a local Facebook Mom group sooner. These groups are really good for giveaways and women are frequently offloading their entire maternity wardrobes.

Other friends went thrift store routes. I'm a terrible shopper. I pieced together stuff from Motherhood Maternity, Target, and Old Navy. A lot of maternity wear has been shifted to online and there are coupons.

Other women wait longer to get their wardrobe. My clothes felt tight pretty early. I didn't really have a bump, but I was just bloated and bigger. I felt much better when I made the shift. Do it whenever you want!

There has been plenty else to navigate-- a solid month of first trimester nausea, waking in the middle of the night inexplicably (finally I realized that if I ate something I could fall right back to sleep-- took a while to sort through as I'm not a middle of the night snacker), learning to always have snacks to keep blood sugar level, and mainly, just riding out the pregnancy. If I resist something I'm feeling, things don't go so well. If I just allow the fatigue and rest or, conversely, feel the energy and move with it, it's all pretty great.

During that period where only Kevin and I carried the knowledge of what was growing between us, I cherished the privacy and the bubble. Little by little, our news became public. It was amazing to receive support, most notably from other new mothers. These women invited me into their home and showed me what worked, what was unnecessary and had endless helpful tips.

And then there was the less helpful. Surprisingly, it came mainly from older men. I don't know what that was. It felt somewhere in the vicinity of their desire to be closer to the experience of pregnancy and motherhood-- to share in something ultimately unknowable-- merged with an unchecked sense of entitlement to women's bodies and experiences. Didn't sit well with me. While massively self-protective already, that has escalated to new heights. I started thinking about what teachings reached me as a child. They generally weren't the ones spoken to me. What I remember is the way the people around me lived their lives. Knowing that my example will likely be the piece of what I offer this girl that has the biggest impact, it felt even more imperative to define the lines around my experience, what I was willing to share, what others had access to, what I had to offer, and how to navigate that terrain.

While I was angry at thoughtless comments, unasked for advice, and intrusive touch, I was also unbelievably sentimental. I spent this past Christmas watching Hallmark movies and crying.

Early on, a friend recommended that I pick up the Mama Natural book. This was a great resource in week-by-week prep and navigating the shifting territory of pregnancy. I'd recommend it to anyone early on as it gives great suggestions on how to choose care providers, when to disclose at work, and other really practical considerations.

I also bought Ina May Gaskin's Spiritual Midwifery. This book is way hippier but kind of lovely. Ina May is the godmother of natural birth in the US. Her history of how women have birthed in the 20th century gave me a lot of context and information. The rest of the book is largely women telling their birth stories. Hearing the diversity of experiences has kept me steeped in the mystery and wonder of birth. I pick it up periodically, get oversaturated, put it down, and then come back to it down the line. Delving into all of Ina May's works has been a pregnancy joy.

I think via an instagram rabbit hole I found the podcast, Birth Kweens. I love them! This hilarious midwife and doula go through just about every topic central and adjacent to birth. I learned a ton about nutrition, movement, baby elimination, and more. Via one of their episodes on postpartum care, I learned about Magamama and picked up her book, The Fourth Trimester. This has maybe been the most powerful learning experience of my pregnancy. I had a lingering sense that pregnancy actually gets a fair amount of support but that the postpartum period might be the part that needs some shoring up. Magamama's work helped me understand what I can put in place prior to birth and after so that I can fully heal as well as reap the benefits of pregnancy and birth. If this whole process can empower and refortify my health, I'll stand a stronger chance of being able to be present to and protective of my child.

From my current perspective of birth-could-be-any-minute-now, I mainly remember the fun and fear of the first trimester. There were the ever-shifting odds of will-this-pregnancy-go-the-distance? There was my body, not as visibly adjusted to other's gaze, but hugely changed and changing in my experience. The privacy of having this exciting, life-changing secret and then navigating the news moving into the world. And waiting. The first trimester felt so long to me. I just wanted the baby already. Now, with her arrival at any minute, this whole journey feels like it was traversed in a heart beat.