Talking to Twyla about Trus

 

While I was hospitalized, we had an amazing grief counselor who helped us sort through many of the questions that emerged in the wake of Trus' loss. In the aftermath, a friend asked how I was talking to Twyla about Trus' loss so that she could talk to her kids the same. I realized that friends and family would want to know how we're talking about this to be on the same page so I have been trying to carve out a moment to write this, so people can refer to it if it's helpful.

One night Twyla asked Kevin about "trolley trolley trolley," the name she called Trus in utero. Kevin wasn't yet ready to answer so he gently told her that he would talk with her about that later. The grief counselor said that was completely fine. So, piece one: none of us have to force ourselves. We can gently delay answering questions at the times as needed. There will be more questions and more opportunities for those conversations.

The first night Twyla was home with us, when I was discharged from the hospital, she asked about Trolley trolley trolley again. I felt ready. I said that she has two brothers: Wes and Trus. Wes is who she always called "Barbara Price" in the womb and Trus is who she called "Trolley trolley trolley." I said Wes is here with us and will stay with us. Trus is with the angels and he'll stay with the angels. She has two brothers and will always have two brothers but one will be with us and one with the angels. She asked, "Why do you call him Trus?" And we said, "That's just what we named him."

And that was it for that round. She took it in and moved on.

We are buying books on grief and loss that are age appropriate. We put some on the baby registry just because that was the easiest place for me to organize things. We're going to start putting them on the shelves for her to pull out as she's ready. 

We are planning on a funeral for Trus. We're still putting moving parts together and also giving me some time to get my strength up. Our plan is to describe a funeral to Twyla in advance-- that it's a gathering where we're going to talk about Trus and sing and read passages. People might be dressed in darker colors and they'll likely be sad because they miss Trus. Because little kids think they're responsible for a lot, we'll emphasize that their sadness has nothing to do with her-- she brings joy. But people need places to cry and feel and that's OK too.

Once she has some idea of what to expect, we're going to assign her people for the funeral. We're going to give her the choice to go with them or not. Or, go with them and if she wants to leave, to leave and go play on the playground or do whatever feels right to her. They'll be with her so she is included but has control over how much she participates. I think we'll take the same approach on the burial, though I may ask the grief counselor about that as we haven't talked about it explicitly yet.

The grief counselor reminded us that kids just process and ask questions as they do and it often will probably seem out of the blue. And in general, I know it's best to only answer the question that Twyla asks rather than volunteering further information as that could overwhelm her. So I'm going to try to stay tuned into my own capacity. When it's too hard for me to answer, I might say something like, "I love your curious mind and I want to answer your question but I feel a little sad right now. It's not your fault. You make me happy. But because I'm sad I'm going to take a break from answering questions. I'll answer it another time though. You can always ask me. I'll always try to tell you and other times I'll take a break."

The grief counselor said that what we're doing too is modeling grief. As much as we want to shield our kids, life has heartbreak. Showing her how to care for ourselves and respect our own limits will give her a model to do the same as she encounters her own ruptures. 

I feel sorry that proximity to us is introducing these conversations to so many other families but I also know that we all know these things are beyond any of us individually. I hope this helps as you navigate this terrain and to those of you with relationships to Twyla, thank you for caring and getting on the same page with us.

A friend made these amazing stories with visuals

Funeral Story for friends & family

Funeral Story for Twyla