Trust

Prior to marriage, I was a serial monogamist.  I didn't intend to be that way but it just happened. When one relationship ended I always remember thinking, "now I'll focus on 'doing me.'  I'll spend time on all the projects I care about, that were side-lined while occupied with a romance."  Inevitably, in the course of those projects I would meet someone.

Part of what that pattern, I think, was that I wasn't looking.  I always had feelings around the dissolution of a relationship, but I don't remember feeling desperate for a new romantic partner.  Also, I was focused on the creative and political projects that are most important to me.

I'm remembering this now that I'm feeling desperate and scared.  Nothing horrible is happening in my life at all.  Instead, issues I have around how I source my security and identity are being illuminated.  It's a wonderful thing, actually, because I get to become a bit more self-aware, and a bit more conscious of my hot buttons.  However, I made myself sick and am driving a lot of folks around me crazy (namely Kevin).

This morning I walked outside.  I was still in my pajamas because I'm taking today to rest & try to move through this cold/nonsense.  It's sunny and cool.  My comforters dried happily on the line in a day, which was reassuring, because I thought they might take a really long time.  I remembered my response to being single in the past.  Thankfully, I'm in a healthy relationship, but I think the response is applicable to my current situation.  I could behave desperately, run around, and try to *force* what I think I want to happen.  (Do I even know what that is?)  Or I could trust that I'm engaged in the projects & the life that's most valuable to me, and just be on that path.

So what do I do?  Nothing.  Just stop.  Stop worrying.  Stop feeling anxious and nervous.  Just stop.  Trust that the comforters will dry in the sun.  Trust that I've done enough.  Trust that I'm OK.