Grow Into

Kevin looked through my CDs, exclaiming, "You have Pharaohe Monch?"  Yup.  But I am absolutely not that hip.

I had that CD, Talib Kweli, and so many others in my early 20s when I also wore big hoop earrings.  My friend, Kieu, gave me several hand-me-downs when we were roommates in Cuba, so I had some of her legitimate hip hop gear on my legitimately suburban self.  Kevin & I met when I was 21, just returned from Cuba, & living in West Philadelphia.  I knew I wanted to be in radical community doing social justice organizing.  It was important to me to have race consciousness and accountability.  Most of the folks I knew who were like-minded honestly loved hip hop as an art form.

So... I respect it!  But most doesn't really resonate with me.  I have been to some great hip hop shows-- Dead Prez and the OK Player tour were super fun.  I love the poetry & conscience of artists like Common and Mos Def.  For whatever reason, Latin Alternative resonates with me on a deeper level.  Play some Manu Chao or go back to old school Nueva Trova like Mercedes Sosa & Silvio Rodriguez-- I will freak out!

Kevin began ribbing me for posing with the backpack rap.  In all honesty, I just didn't know myself well. 

I was joking about this with my friend Sonora this morning.  She also went through a phase of adopting a culture that she also really respected, but didn't truly relate to.  In her instance, she was a biker chick!  Custom made leather jacket!  Holy cow! 

Both of us glanced at our current attire (in that moment yoga wear), our current musical preferences, & other assorted likes and affiliations.  We both feel a bit more honest in our inclinations.

I had to grow into myself a good bit.  Moving from West Philly to South Jersey ultimately comforted me.  I relate much better to the suburbs than urban centers or rural areas.  Over time I've found that my body responds best to early rising, lots of time outdoors, and a vegetarian diet. 

I'm trying to assess why there was so much distance between the life I was leading in my early 20s & my true aptitudes & inclinations.  I guess in large part I came from a fairly homogenous culture.  I grew up in a predominantly white upper-middle-class suburb where most folks did sedentary white collar work.  The plan was to go to school & get a "good" job where you were paid well to stay indoors and think, write, and talk.  I can absolutely pass in that environment, but it doesn't bring out my greatest strengths nor joys.  On a larger level I think that way of living isn't terribly sustainable nor beneficial for communities and environment.

Part of why I have to wake early and be active is to quell anxiety.  When I woke up later and went to a desk for school I had too much bound energy that spun its way into worry.   Kevin & I are now learning to recognize our food as it grows in our garden, to shift our behaviors and diet towards optimal health, & be attentive to our surroundings.  This way of living feels good to me & inspiring.  Interestingly, my grandfather knew most of what Kevin & I now research in books!  It was really only lost on one generation!  My Mom was interested in more sustainable living, but met an intractable force with my father. 

Coming from that fairly rigid way of living, I had to explore a bit.  I tried on an urban identity.  I lived abroad.  Eventually, coming home I found my way back to suburbia, but suburbs inhabited by multi-racial working class families.  & a little more access to land.  & ultimately, a little more access to my own true self.