Purge

I woke at 4:40 am & completed 108 sun salutations.

There are a few more details to include.

I woke with several nagging anxieties.  & carrying others unconsciously.

Walking in the studio, one miscommunication was resolved easily & readily.  Sweet relief, as it was with someone I care about deeply.  I sank onto my mat, into my community, and nearer my body.

This photo was taken after I led a mala during the summer solstice.  My friends said I looked like The Fonz.

Moving repetitively becomes meditation.  Meditation allows so much to surface.  The practice was process.  Like running a Half Marathon there were moments when it felt impossible and moments when it felt surprisingly easy.  Given that we're nearing the Solstice & a moment on the Mayan calendar, my sweet teacher had included several End of the World songs on the playlist. A cover of "Ring of Fire"!  I felt burnished and cleansed.  While I giggled.  (An aside about the Mayan Calendar that also makes me very, very happy-- the following Facebook status from Kevin's Uncle Bill: "Contrary to popular internet misconceptions, the Mayans are not dead and gone but alive and well in Central America.  In fact, I work with a Mayan woman everyday at St. Gregs.  She assures me that A: the world is not going to end on Dec. 21st and B: that white people are crazy.")

The practice revealed my body more fully to me.  There are areas in my body that tell me they are tight or unavailable.  However, in this repetition I could find other asymmetries.  I've had a growing suspicion that tightness in the front of my right hip might be linked to some other point on the right side of my body.  I've begun to notice that I place my hands unevenly-- the right hand nearer & the left hand further.  This impacts my shoulders, my back... my hips.  I tried to steadily even my alignment, even though that felt odd.  Making what's most healthy feel normal.

My practice has given me what I needed to stay steady through the final sun salutations.  They did feel apocalyptic.  Last night, Kevin told me about a practice he's recently begun of pretending it's the last time you'll do any task.  Even in mundane situations, you imagine you'll never again find yourself in this place.  When he was caught in traffic he imagined this would be his last opportunity to be in traffic.  From that vantage, he watched the trees more closely.  He was comfortable being present to that moment.

In the same way, knowing I was finishing this momentous practice, I took joy in the last few flows.  If only I could do that every time!  It's proof that I am sufficiently strong.  I just need to stay present to strength.  To joy.

Afterwards I met a friend for breakfast.  The conversation wandered between us, but I wound up sharing a lot about work I'm trying to do with my family of origin.  She had lovely ideas for me & generously offered her thoughts & own experiences.  I left, ran around doing holiday errands, & found my way back home.  I was faced with another piece from my parents: the boxes they continue to deposit in my home.  In the last few years my Mom has tried to clear out her house.  I understand wanting to rid oneself of clutter.  She does have a lot of room, though.  She's continually gifting me my childhood.  I receive boxes of old trophies, photos, clothes, crafts I made.  I've gone through boxes like this before when someone died.  My parents are still living.

After the mala, I'm realizing that it feels as though I'm being purged.  My parents & I don't have a close relationship.  I love them & I love what they've done for me, but there are still many unresolved issues.  I know that they're not trying to hurt me.  I don't think it's occurred to them what it might feel like to give me back my childhood.

I guess I want them to treasure these items.  I want them to hold these items & hold me.  But this process doesn't have to speak of anything than them cleaning their house.

I'm holding these feelings... & then working towards release.  I'm going through these boxes, throwing out what's dusty, ripped, & beyond repair.  Putting much towards Good Will.  Figuring out how to hold onto my own past in a way that isn't stagnating.  I might take photos of some of the artwork I did as a kid.  & let it go.

I woke at 4:40 & by noon I feel nearer to myself.  Move, breathe, repeat.