Wednesday, July 17, 2013

In Pain

Last week I came down with some terrible summer cold.  At first, I didn't even realize I was unwell because I couldn't differentiate general malaise from the extreme heat from symptoms.  As I became aware that I had caught something, I slowed down and worked on healing.  Happily, I felt it lifting last Sunday.  I woke up with a stiff neck-- did I sleep funny?-- but felt energy creeping back.  I began planning to work in the garden & get back to a myriad of other projects that I'd neglected.

And then.  Sunday night.  The stiffness in my neck began tightening like a fist.  A general ache became active pain.  It was a challenge to lay down and a greater challenge to get back up.  I felt so limited, thwarted, disempowered.  I hoped that a good night sleep might soften whatever was clenching in my neck and shoulder.  Instead, I couldn't sleep well due to the pain and woke with even greater intensity.  I couldn't lean my head back (which happens when you change a shirt or brush your hair).  Any sudden movement was excruciating. It felt like something in my head or neck would potentially break apart.

It was too late to sub out my yoga classes so I taught only by verbal instruction.  Almost no demonstration and almost no assisting students.  I couldn't trust my own body to be responsive to theirs.  As always, the students were lovely and generous.  Several students demonstrated poses that I could not.

Both Kevin & a friend alternately rubbed the shoulder when they were home.  I thought about food that might help the muscles relax, but ultimately wanted food that comforted me emotionally.  I'm so grateful to be generally healthy.  I work hard to nourish my health and make use of mobility.  I was so eager to near full capacity again.  It felt so frustrating to once more be held back.

When I was still, I felt relief.

Recently, I've been watching my behaviors and assessing which serve & which limit.  I've also felt a growing urge to gather a bag and head to a cabin somewhere remote.  I want to just be.  I want to be where I can listen to wind and animals and water.  I don't want screens nor unnatural light.  I thought about this desire, which is gaining so much presence, and asked myself why my home doesn't offer what I'm currently seeking?  If I didn't live there, I think it would.  But the main obstacles are self-created: internet & TV.

I've recently felt pain in my thumbs, wrists, and shoulders that I know are related to playing solitaire, texting, and checking the internet on my IPhone.  I feel my energy drain if I watch TV-- now understand, Kevin and I can only see what is on a Netflix player on TV.  We don't have channels nor cable.  Our TV consumption is limited, but it's still too much.  I feel my attention being watered down by a Facebook compulsion.

I want relief and I need to create it.  I've been watching these behaviors and know that I need to reach a tipping point where my desire for full attention, ease, and energy outweighs my addictions to these screens.

However, when my shoulder clenched up and I could only sit, I didn't want to hold a book.  I didn't want anything but what felt familiar and comforting.

I look forward to healthy behaviors feeling familiar and comforting.

By and large I think I have them.  But we all have areas where we fall short of our goal.  These are the areas I'm currently finding.

A dear Aunt saw me cautiously inhabiting my body, protecting it from sudden touch or movement, and she said, "That's tension."  I nodded in affirmation and she said, "No.  Everything is related to your mental and emotional self.  There's tension and your body is expressing it."

I sat with that assessment and explored these areas of tension.  The tension between living in ways that truly serve me versus the ways I'm accustomed to.  The tension of self-doubt, discipline, while working to not be quite so rigid.  Where I find stress and where I find opportunity.  Yup, there's tension.  There always is.  But sometimes it gets out of hand and takes a vice grip on your shoulder.

And asks you to sit still.

No comments:

Post a Comment