Learn Love

Yesterday I bought groceries, ran a few more errands, came home, & FORGOT ABOUT THE GROCERIES.  No lie.  I can be spacey at times but this is a first.  To make matters worse, at lunchtime I picked up a pizza, met Kevin on his job, & had lunch with him.  So I was in the car again!

*Palm to forehead*

Later that night Kevin & I got in the car & both exclaimed, "What is that smell?!"  I looked in the rearview & saw spinach peeking out of full grocery bags.  We were running late so we quickly put them in the house & agreed to assess the damage later.  The spinach was lost, the bananas need to be banana bread quick, the feta is a goner, the tortillas may make it... the kale?  It was maybe 100 in that car all day!

I started picking fights with Kevin.  Not nice behavior.  I needed sleep but also some time to get a handle on what I was feeling.  Here's the conclusion I came to: I'm learning how to love.

Lake Crescent, Olympic Peninsula, Washington
Why this photo here?  Matches mood.  No other reason

My intention is not for that to sound like an excuse.  I apologized to Kevin & I need to work on not venting frustration on him just because he's close to me.  That's exactly why I should be more protective of behaving well towards him.  It was simply a helpful explanation to myself.

Here's the thing: I am so grateful to love & be loved in partnership, friendship, & family.  I'm not necessarily good at it.  I was taught some really good ways of caring for others: listening, being present, sticking it out when it's hard.  I was also taught some really bad behaviors-- we all were, right?

The problem is, sometimes I don't have to offer what others need.  I'm realizing more & more how this goes both ways.  I don't always love in the ways others want to receive.  I don't always receive love in the way I hope for it.

Expectations.  I get exactly what I need.  If I didn't, I wouldn't be healthy.  Sometimes I need a kick in my tail.  Sometimes I need people to hold me accountable.  Sometimes I need people just to hold me.  I don't always know what I need, that's why I'm not in control (if I only received what I wanted my life would be a wreck).  I'm imperfect in loving as are those I love.

Kevin & I are getting some better language around all of this.  We are starting to see when we respond to one another based on our own personal preference.  We're both trying to compromise.  He lets me rant & whine every now & then & I let him ignore stuff & talk about podcasts (every now & then).

Here it comes again-- love is a freaking practice.  Most urgently, I need to learn to love myself.  I do OK with that.  I feed myself well, keep my body in working order, the bills are paid, work is meaningful, there's community.  But, the real stuff.  Respect myself.  Even when I'm facing the pieces & parts of myself that I generally try to hide or avoid.  Years ago I was tutoring a friend's home-schooled children.  They were walking all over me!  I didn't know how to handle it so I would go from syrup-y sweet to mean, with no in-between.  She explained that the problem was I didn't respect myself.  I didn't thoroughly trust my own judgment to hold that space & respect myself enough to inspire those kids to respect me.  When they responded to my own waffley-ness, I snapped & was mean.

No quick fix to that.  However, over time I am learning to respect myself more mainly through practicing respectable behaviors.  Speaking up & assertively.  Working towards humility.  Being less protective of my nonsense & issues-- trying to let it all be a bit more transparent.  Surrounding myself with people I respect & allowing our relationships to be mutually uplifting.

As I'm learning to love myself better, I'm learning to recognize that capacity in others.  I'm able to offer more love to those around me, which makes me more likely to receive it.

I'm looking back over these words & realizing that I don't know how to talk about this without sounding kind of crunchy granola.  Here's the thing-- when I say love, in no way am I referring to romance nor Hallmark.  When I'm talking about loving myself, it's not Stuart Smalley.  I think love is a radical act.  My political activism has been trying to facilitate the healthiest environments literally & on personal, local, & international levels.  In activism we talk all the time about creating parallel structures, like Free Schools that serve our children in ways some other schools don't, or community gardens that feed us better than grocery chains.  Rather than replicating relationships or even our involvement with our selves that does not serve, establishing something else that is sound.

& credit where credit is due.  I am so grateful to be surrounded by people who teach me through word & example how to be love.  I love you Ria, Mona, Pix, & the rest of my fam!